I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I feel disconnected from the rest of the world. I feel like I’m screaming but nobody can hear me. I need hope. I need something, anything. Life seems to plod on and I always thought that staring at adversity from the other side would mean that everything would be alright, but everything isn’t alright, and I don’t know what to do. This is my most candid of blogs because I have never been this vulnerable before in front of an audience that I don’t even think I can comprehend, but I have always believed that vulnerability is necessary to recovery. Shit has changed. My friend died, and now I don’t know up from down. My own mortality is being tested, I’m scared to leave the house, or get close to anyone. Shits fucked. I know I’m being silly, but I just never want to get another phone call like that again. I don’t know what to do. I think it would be nice to be told that everything is going to be okay, but I know that eventually I will die, and all my loved ones will do so too, I just am not prepared to have it happen now. Not now.